It's someone's job in state government in Lansing to try and think of every nasty and possibly insulting name they can imagine to ban those license plates from our innocent eyes on Michigan roads.

With a list of well over 27,000 banned names, they've covered almost every angle.

Let's say you've got some extra money this year, and you'd like to show your wacky personality by putting a vanity license plate on your car. Think carefully, because the state has banned 27,401 words from use this year.

The legal wording for vanity plates from the Secretary of State is terse:

The Secretary of State will not issue a configuration of either letters, numbers or letters and numbers that carries a connotation that is profane, obscene; a swear word or depicts a swear word; sexually explicit or graphic; excretory-related; used to describe intimate body parts or genitals; used to describe alcohol, alcohol use, drugs, drug culture or drug use; used to describe illegal activities or illegal substances; used to substantially interfere with plate identification for law enforcement purposes; used to disparage or promote or condone hate or violence directed at any type of business, group or persons, a foreign word falling into these categories, or that conflicts with the regular license plate numbering system.

And they've thought of just about every angle on everything. Almost.

Let's start with the A's and work our way down the list, shall we?

 

  • A

    If you're thinking of recreating a scene from 'Seinfeld', you can't get ASSMAN, ASMAN or even ASSMN, and if you're thinking of going with some variation of a word that rhymes with GLASS BOWL, forget it, even trying to use 5's or Z's for S's.

  • B

    Also if you're a BALLER like me, it doesn't matter, you can't brag about it on your plate. Any variation of BALL or BALLS is banned as is anything involving the word BLOW.

  • C

    Older women who like to prey on younger men are cut off from showing it on the rear bumper. You can spell COUGAR as COUGER or COUGRR or COUGR and it won't work. They also have no love for you fans of the 'Dukes of Hazard' as COOTER and all its variations are a no go.

  • D

    Since his unsuccessful run for President last year, many of tried to show their support for DEEZ NUTS, but many have been denied, as every manipulation of that phrase is banned. You may also think your dog's poop is funny, and maybe it is to you, but you can't put it on a license plate.

  • E

    Most attempts to say you EAT something disgusting or even good are shunned, so is any form of EXTC.

  • F

    Of course, all variations of the F WORD are on the list, even the milder Irish FECK is off limits, as are FOCK, FORK and even the fairly innocuous FOG YOU.

  • G

    Saying you GOT, GET or even GO somewhere disgusting is banned. Apparently the letter G and then some numbers is too sketchy for a Michigan plate. G11 is banned as is G7777. Forgive me if I'm not hip to what those elude to.

  • H

    HELL is an actual place in Michigan, but you can't plate it, let alone declare HELLYES or HELLNO. And you pretty much can't H8 anything, especially your ex wife. You can't even take the high road and say H8SUCKS. But why HMBREW is banned is beyond me in a state that prides it beer.

  • I

    Personal pride defined by I, such as IFARTED, or IAMHUGE are off limits, even the childish joke ICU81. Sorry.

  • J

    Fans of the Insane Clown Posse will be sad to see most forms of JUGGALO banned, in fact talking about any kind of JUGS or JUGZ is shaky. Unless you're in JUGBAND, then you're good.

  • K

    Forget about KILL-ing or KISS-ing just about anything. You can't even KISSTHIS or KISSOFF. Even specific lengths like KIZMY6 are off limits.

  • L

    Forget about LICK or LIK, or even most forms of LIL. Even LILMOJO is banned. LOWRIDE is okay, LOWRID1, not. And no, you can't LOVE or LV everything, just a few things.

  • M

    MI is the abbreviation of our state, and it’s also a takeoff on MY, so many forms of it are banned. Especially MINUTS and MIASS, but so is MITHAI, which seems weird. Also all variations of MILF are off limits, as is the simple love for brew MMMBEER.

  • N

    If you kicked the adult movie habit and are proud of your accomplishment, forget getting a plate that says NOPORN, it's not allowed. So is NOSNOW for some reason, and NOWEED.

  • O

    You may be an OLDFART, but you can't plate it, you can't be OFF2BFE or be ONIT, whatever 'it' is.

  • P

    You can't PAZGAS, or be PISTOFF, or PUMPUP.  And PUCK is treated with the same disdain the F WORD is (sorry, hockey fans).

  • Q

    No matter how you try to spell QWIKIE, it ain't working. I'm not sure Q44 or Q14TSGY are banned.

  • R

    You can't say RATS, have an RGASM or even yell REDRUM on your plates. Even RDWINGS7 is verboten. And most forms asking RU are out, even RU1026.

  • S

    You can be a SEXYHO, but not a SEXYUFO or a SEXYRAT. You also can protest this whole list because SOSSUCK is allowed as is SOSH8.

  • T

    You can't be THEMULE, THENOB or THENUT, but you can be THECOCK, at least it's not on the list. You can't TOUCHIT, but you could TURDIT.

  • U

    Asking a question using U is allowed, unless you want to ask if U4SEX or U469, then NO.

  • V

    V has some interesting bans, including VWOOM, VURP and VAN5.

  • W

    You cannot give or get a WEDGY, call your van a WEEDWGN or declare yourself a WENCH. If you want to declare your love for WINE, forget about it, and don't think sliding it into slang using VINO helps, it doesn't.

  • X

    You can't be XRATED and trading sex for grades is off limits as is XXX4GPA. Weirdly XXLDICK is banned, XLDICK isn't.

  • Y

    Don't try and YANK anything or try and squeeze “You're” down to YR because it ain't working, neither does the question we all ask, YTACO? The answer is no.

  • Z

    You may be the ZSHZNIT but you ain't putting it on your car, and someone has to explain these bans to me ZASSSSA, ZOBBIE and ZMOCO.